Being Illegally Beautiful


Aristotle once commented on the subject of beauty: “Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of reference.” Well, even though I am not in Aristotle’s league, I thought I would comment on beauty by writing the following “International Warrant of Arrest”. I gave this to my wife.

This document serves as an INTERNATIONAL WARRANT OF ARREST duly issued and executed by the International Court of Justice for the Average-Looking Human Being. It is declared forthwith that you, [________________], be placed under arrest immediately for the felonious and pre-meditated crime specified below:

Being Illegally Beautiful

It is hereby alleged that your supernatural and sublime beauty has led to all the following:

• Your beauty is your introduction, more so than your name; it gives you a decidedly unfair advantage over us ordinary-looking people

• Your beauty disrupts and undermines the mundane order of things in society; it jeopardizes the necessary ordinary [e.g., stopping traffic when walking down the street or causing clerks to eagerly spend extra time attending to your concerns]

• Your beauty seduces women who are not gay and men who are to desperately lust after you as do we straight men; you are a powerful aphrodisiac and an irresistible force of nature

• Your beauty incites people to stare at you – some overtly, others surreptitiously – thereby making the observers fantasize about you or envy you as opposed to doing whatever they should be doing at the time

• Your beauty intimidates and overwhelms – even the powerful and influential

• Your beauty distracts, mesmerizes and enchants – it bewitches – causing persons to behave irrationally, irresponsibly or even ridiculously – without shame or compunction

Therefore, given that you have deliberately [and with forethought] presented your stunning superior beauty, knowing full well its effects on citizens of this planet, you are hereby served with this INTERNATIONAL WARRANT OF ARREST

You have the right, however, to challenge or negate this INTERNATIONAL WARRANT OF ARREST by simply being a sincerely pleasant lady AND pleading to one of the following:

• Pleading Guilty to the above-cited crime of being Illegally Beautiful and solemnly swearing to be more discreet with your power.

• Pleading NOT Guilty to the above-cited crime of being Illegally Beautiful by reason of your purpose – you are the definition of beauty – and so you cannot help but be so.

Whichever option you choose [I personally favor the latter of the two options], I hereby declare that it was a memorable delight to witness your beauty firsthand but dare I dream and hope you are even more beautiful within.

Carlespie Mary Alice McKinney
Eye Witness To Your Crime of Being Illegally Beautiful

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Published in: on May 24, 2016 at 4:03 PM  Leave a Comment  
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The Eleven Commandments of Beauty


I. Thou shalt strive to be even more beautiful on the inside than thou art on the outside.

II. Thou shalt honor thy physical beauty, with plenty of self-respect and class.

III. Thou shalt always remember that grace and charm make your beauty, even more beautiful.

IV. Thou shalt not adulterate thy beauty by abusing thy body with illegal or dangerous substances or excessive use of alcohol.

V. Thou shalt not be envious of or covet the beauty of another beautiful woman because, although all beauty is not created equally, each one has a right to their day in the sun – to be admired.

VI. Thou shalt not steal from others the joy of respectfully admiring thy beauty

VII. Thou shalt not abuse the power or advantages that accrue to thee because of thy physical beauty.

VIII. Thou shalt not kill others with thy beauty by callously and recklessly breaking hearts.

IX. Thou shalt not diminish thy beauty by being crude, stupid or self-centered.

X. Thou shalt not forget that physical beauty grabs attention, but physical beauty alone does not keep it.

XI. Thou shalt live by the above Ten Commandments to avoid becoming ugly!

Published in: on December 1, 2015 at 4:21 AM  Leave a Comment  
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