Aristotle once commented on the subject of beauty: “Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of reference.” Well, even though I am not in Aristotle’s league, I thought I would comment on beauty by writing the following “International Warrant of Arrest”. I gave this to my wife.
This document serves as an INTERNATIONAL WARRANT OF ARREST duly issued and executed by the International Court of Justice for the Average-Looking Human Being. It is declared forthwith that you, [________________], be placed under arrest immediately for the felonious and pre-meditated crime specified below:
Being Illegally Beautiful
It is hereby alleged that your supernatural and sublime beauty has led to all the following:
• Your beauty is your introduction, more so than your name; it gives you a decidedly unfair advantage over us ordinary-looking people
• Your beauty disrupts and undermines the mundane order of things in society; it jeopardizes the necessary ordinary [e.g., stopping traffic when walking down the street or causing clerks to eagerly spend extra time attending to your concerns]
• Your beauty seduces women who are not gay and men who are to desperately lust after you as do we straight men; you are a powerful aphrodisiac and an irresistible force of nature
• Your beauty incites people to stare at you – some overtly, others surreptitiously – thereby making the observers fantasize about you or envy you as opposed to doing whatever they should be doing at the time
• Your beauty intimidates and overwhelms – even the powerful and influential
• Your beauty distracts, mesmerizes and enchants – it bewitches – causing persons to behave irrationally, irresponsibly or even ridiculously – without shame or compunction
Therefore, given that you have deliberately [and with forethought] presented your stunning superior beauty, knowing full well its effects on citizens of this planet, you are hereby served with this INTERNATIONAL WARRANT OF ARREST
You have the right, however, to challenge or negate this INTERNATIONAL WARRANT OF ARREST by simply being a sincerely pleasant lady AND pleading to one of the following:
• Pleading Guilty to the above-cited crime of being Illegally Beautiful and solemnly swearing to be more discreet with your power.
• Pleading NOT Guilty to the above-cited crime of being Illegally Beautiful by reason of your purpose – you are the definition of beauty – and so you cannot help but be so.
Whichever option you choose [I personally favor the latter of the two options], I hereby declare that it was a memorable delight to witness your beauty firsthand but dare I dream and hope you are even more beautiful within.
Carlespie Mary Alice McKinney
Eye Witness To Your Crime of Being Illegally Beautiful
carlespiemaryalice 