Trying To Keep A Dead Horse Alive


I have written a few times about how three of my four children have ostracized me because I eventually rejected the religious cult in which their mother and I originally raised them. Thus, I am considered a heretic or an apostate and therefore, by fiat, I am to be treated as a “leper” by all, including family, who follow the creeds of that cult.

I achingly miss my children and their children; it has been years since my children have spoken to me or since I have hugged their children. I have been hoping — hoping, that they will somehow, at sometime, someway change their mind and let me be their “father” and they, my “children”.

But hope can be both a source of strength or source of angst. I used to hope that the three who have rejected me would escape and come to embrace me once again so that I can do what fathers and grandfathers do to those they love. But I do not hope anymore. I give up; I surrender to hopelessness. George Bernard Shaw once asserted, “He who has never hoped can never despair.” I no longer want to despair and grieve; to hope for what will never happen. I want the pain of despair to stop. The only bright spot is that my youngest son has not turned down that path of rejecting me and for that I am beyond elated and joyful. His love stops me from bleeding out.

Freidrich Nietzsche explained,“Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man.” Hope may not be the worst of evils, but it certainly stands tall against many of them. So, given that my children [except one] refuse to answer my frequent texts, calls or letters, I will no longer despair. I will no longer hope because to keep hope alive is tantamount to keeping a dead horse alive. How foolish and futile – because the horse is “dead”.

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Published in: on November 1, 2017 at 3:00 PM  Comments (1)  
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Weird Things


For more than twenty years I attended religious services three days a week. The meetings began with a song/hymn and ended with another one. This religion did not have a choir; the entire congregation sang from the hymn book. Each and every time the congregation sang I did not. I merely mouthed the words but never sang a word in twenty years. I did not sing because I have immense respect for the art form. I simply believe that singing should be done by those whose voices are euphonious. Yes, even as a devout believer I would not sing praises to “God” because I [and almost all the other members of the congregation] did not have a good singing voice. To me, people who can not sing should leave the singing to those who can. Weird thing #1.

About one week after I received my driver’s license I began to do what most drivers do not; I brake with my left foot. It just makes sense to me to use the foot closer to the brake rather than let it just rest there while the right foot does all the work. Weird thing #2.

When I button a shirt or coat, I start with the bottom button and button up; most people do the opposite. The first time I did it, it somehow made more sense to my mind since my hands are already close to the bottom button. Weird thing #3.

I do as many things with my left hand as I do with my right even though I am right-handed. I shave, eat, train [KM] with my left hand to name a few. I have two hands and to my way of thinking, why not use one nearly as often as I do the other. Weird thing #4.

Sometimes I choose to listen to songs that sadden me and make me cry because I want to feel the pain — but not often; only when I think the tears will wash away the dust that has accumulated on top of certain memories. Weird thing #5.

I have decided that I do not like bagels even though I have never tasted one. I do not like the way they look; but I love donuts. Weird thing #6.

I do not watch or follow sports at all — I’m just not interested — except I do watch the Super Bowl each year, intensely, as my dose of sports for the entire year. The next day I could not tell you who played or what the score was because my interest does not last beyond the end of the game. Weird thing #7.

I have more books than I have money. If I have the money to lend and a book to lend, I would rather lend the money. Weird thing #8.

Whenever I see a group of young children I wonder, almost automatically, will any of them be a murderer, a rapist, a thief or racist, or some other type of miscreant? Odds are, at least one will be. Weird thing #9.

One of the things on my bucket list is to take calculus I. Somehow, I feel I have been deprived by graduating from both High School and college without having to take it. Weird thing #10.

Knowing that my mother would love me no matter what, I often fantasize about her being so damn proud of what I have done and so damn ashamed of me for what other things I have done. Despite the certainty of love, I painfully wonder would pride prevail or would shame? Weird thing #11.

To be sure, I am not the only one who has “weird” things that are characteristic of himself. But what I believe to be especially “weird”[but not uniquely weird] about myself is this: I want to hear from “God” because everything I have read or heard that is supposedly from or about “God” is ambiguous, contradictory, fanciful and useless. Albert Einstein said, “I want to know God’s thoughts. The rest are details.” I believe the rest is pure unadulterated bullsh*t and I am just so very tired of it; it hurts. Weirdest Thing of All

Published in: on January 10, 2017 at 9:30 PM  Comments (1)  
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